I'm quite comfortable in here...

As a new year has begun, it is always a tradition to make a new years resolution. I am absolutely terrible at new year's resolutions because they always consist of a certain amount of weight that I want to lose, or some random goal that I should have started a year ago anyway. Well, the thought of making a goal for myself this year for some reason didn't even enter my mind. I have been so busy with thousands of other things, that I needed a slap in the face. Indeed the Lord is always aware of me and my needs and a slap in the face I did receive. This past Sunday as you know was a time for many people to stand and share their love for the Lord and their conviction of His work. I was a little more motivated for church this week than normal because I had a good morning. I am a little bummed that church is starting at prime nap time this year, but it gives me a chance to do better preparation for my Sunday worship. My father-in-law and brother-in-law came to visit this weekend and I was pleasantly surprised when after I had finished preparing something for dinner so I didn't have to cook after church, my father-in-law began a small scripture study with my brother-in-law Matt. I was hesitant and first to interrupt them and include myself in their little lesson, but I didn't think they would mind, I needed a little extra scripture time in my life anyway.
I am excited to be studying the Doctrine and Covenants this year, it is one of my favorite books to read! Once I got to Relief Society I was sort of feeling sorry for myself. Here I am, this hungry, tired, chubby pregnant woman trying to make friends in a group of people that have been apart of this ward for a long time. (Long time I mean Senior Citizens ) I sit beside someone that seems to be about the same age as me and try to carry on a conversation and be friendly, when one of her friends sits next to her on the other side and I then become somewhat familiar with the back of her head. Oh, well the lesson was soon starting anyway...here I am thinking, do I dare bring out my Oats and Honey granola bar in front of everyone when it is fast Sunday? Will they all stare at me? That is like take a megaphone and announcing "Hi there, I'm prego" cause you know everyone can hear that annoying wrapper. I take a deep breath and hope I can make it through the lesson without it, cause you know I just ate something an hour ago I tell myself.
The entire lesson was about goals, and making sure we are setting appropriate goals that are attainable. I enjoyed the lesson, but I guess my heart wasn't fully into the spirit of the lesson. The time was turned over the rest of the class to share their testimonies if they wished, and I quietly sat listening to many woman share about their Christmas week and about the things that they have learned throughout the Christmas time. By this point, I am watching the clock because my stomach was not only growling, but I felt like I had been walking through the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, I was parched! This young woman in front me stood with her son sleeping in her arms and she shared her thoughts about the change she wants to make in her life. Now forgive me, I am not a crier, but as she shared her testimony I all of a sudden became the water source for all of Southeastern Idaho. I had to remove myself from my seat and clean myself up in the bathroom because I could not gain control of my emotions. I don't even remember what she said, but I remember what I felt! I began to feel a lot of shame and disappointment in myself. All I remember about her testimony is that she talked about the story of Jonah and the Whale. I have read over that story again, trying to figure out what it was that she said or that the Lord wanted me to hear that touched me so much.
I apologize for my ramblings, but this is what I have felt and learned these past few days as I have thought about the story of Jonah and the Whale. We all know that the Lord commanded Jonah to go and preach to the Assyrian people, but he refused and fled from the Lord and went to Tarshish. The people of Assyria were very mean and brutle people, so it was a little understandable why Jonah was worried. The point is that he deliberately was disobedient to the Lord. The most amazing part about this story to me is the "great fish" that swallowed Jonah. In the Old Testament it says, "Now the Lord had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah." Call me crazy, but I don't believe that the Lord just happened to plop a giant fish in the sea the moment Jonah got on a ship to go to Tarshish. I believe the Lord knows all, and that fish was prepared LONG before Jonah was ever faced with the call from the Lord. The Lord is constantly preparing us and many other things to carry out His purposes.
It’s not always easy to walk into the midst of a fiery furnace as did Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego. Or to hold onto the iron rod when multitudes are pointing the finger of scorn at us. Or to fight a good fight and finish the course. Just ask the Apostle Paul, who endured shipwrecks, scourgings, stonings, derision, imprisonment, and finally martyrdom as he crossed the finish line of his own personal course. Overcoming our individual Assyrians is supposed to be difficult; without opposition we could not fully develop our faith and character during this life. So how do we conquer these assorted Assyrians? How do we replace our Jonah-like tendencies with those of Nephi who expressed: “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the things which he commandeth them” My mind was also impressed by the amount of time that Jonah sat in the stomach of the whale. He sat there for 3 days and 3 nights, so what was he doing? Was he being taught by the Lord? Was he sleeping? Was he counting the fish that swam by him that the whale also swallowed? Or was he just being stubborn or complacent? My hope is that he was being taught by the Lord, but what if he was just being complacent or stubborn or reluctant to go out and do what the Lord wanted him to do? I feel like Jonah. I feel like I have run from what the Lord has been asking me to do, and now I am in the whale being stubborn or complacent. I have been too busy for daily scripture study, too busy for more than just evening or meal time prayers, too tired to immerse myself in the lesson's at church, and too selfish to serve my Heavenly Father. What will it take to get me to get out of my whale? I am tired of being tired! Why does the Lord have to always wait on me? I have been tremendously blessed in my life and all the Lord asks of me is that I love and serve Him. I want to be better! I want to do more! I love my Heavenly Father. I love my Savior and I want to be like Him.